Building children’s connectiveness to nurture their emotional well-being
PSYCHOLOGICAL APPROACHES
Psychological connections with care givers and parents are significant contributors to children’s emotional well-being. There are some simple strategies by which parents and caregivers can develop connections with their children. This brief article will shed some very practical ways to do that on day to day basis. These are given below:
- Show affection through physical contact. Touching children is a major way to establish a sense of Connectiveness. William James often known as “Father of American Psychology” also asserts in his book Principles of Psychology that physical touch has positive implications for people’s emotional well-being. There are lots of ways to touch a child from a brief pat on the shoulder to a great big kissing bear-hug. It’s important to know when and how a child wants or needs to be touched, but the only way to find out is to try to see his reaction. If children pull away, use brief, less demanding touches. Sometimes you will feel them “learn into” you, and then pull away; sometimes they return the touch in kind! Parents need to respect a child’s wish not to be touched. Clinging children often need lots of touching, and they need to know that they don’t always have to ask for it. Touching children is a way to get their attention, and for some it is an important way. Touching and getting eye contact is a way to get children to listen.
- Show positive feelings on your face toward the child. Parents’ own facial expression have a significant effect on a child. Around the age of 4 years of age, children develop the skills of reading the mind of others often known as as social referencing. This skill in turn helps them to relate with parents or others. Parents have different ways to respond to their own emotions as some smile when they’re angry and frown when they’re happy. Differences between what a parent or teacher says and how he looks confuse children. Smiles, or even a wink, can confirm good feeling to a child, when lots of words may not get the point across. Eye contacts increase intimacy, even if it is a bit uncomfortable for adult or child. Letting your face show anger when you feel it, makes your positive feelings more believable when they’re expressed.
- Tell children in words when you feel good about them. Adults are sometimes reluctant to do this, especially if it wasn’t done to them as children. It’s important for children to have verbal reassurance of your positive feelings about them. It also helps them build a catalog of positive statements that they can say to others, i.e. :I love you;” I think you’re fantastic;” “You make me feel good;” etc. Teaching a child that it’s ok. to make positive statements to others by hearing them about himself improves his chances for good relationships with others and thus his sense of Connectiveness with the parents.
- Make praise specific. Communicating positive feelings and giving praise are not necessarily the same. “I like your picture” is different from “You used color so nicely in this. I especially like the red and blue.” Children need to know what pleases parents and teachers and what they do well in your eyes. They need to know that what they have tried to do well has been noticed. When praise is specific it’s more credible, and helps a child develop more self-awareness.
- Let children know when you see their positive behavior having a good effect on others. Children need to learn how to relate well. Praise for good interpersonal relations with others gives them feedback that human relationships are important to you. It’s important that you comment on good relationships within the family, and of special importance that you let children know how they affect you. Comments about this should be specific, “I felt good when you didn’t argue with your brother at dinner,” “It makes me happy when you share what happened to you in school.” Children who cooperate well are easily liked. Helping a child understand that cooperation is an important feature of human relationships is best done by praising him for being cooperative.
- Share your feelings with children. Adults have feelings that don’t have anything to do with their children. Children need to know that your feelings don’t always result from what they do. You have bad days and good ones; nice things happen to you as well as bad; sharing some of your joys and trails makes you more human, less threatening, and a more well rounded model of good interpersonal relationships. Adults are sometimes afraid to share negative feelings with children for fear they will undermine a child’s security or faith. But most anxiety in children is a result of not being able to make sense of what’s going on. If children sense that an adult is depressed, but don’t know why, they are likely to feel guilty as well as anxious. If children make you angry, telling them why gives them information by which they may change. Hidden resentments are anxiety-provoking. Letting children know that you’re angry but are still “connected” to them helps them deal with angry feelings in others. Sharing your feelings helps children feel secure- the foot of a positive sense of Connectiveness.
- Share your interests, hobbies, activities, and family experiences with your children. When your children know you better, it builds their connection to you. Feeling connected to parents is basic to building a positive sense of Connectiveness. Knowing what you like builds a catalog of potential experiences for a child. It is important to involve children in what you do (hobby, shop work, cleaning), talk to them about the way the activity makes you feel, and demonstrate how and why you do it. Sometimes children’s involvement is distracting and intrusive. Parents want to do their own thing tool. But if a child continues to put pressure on you, make a special time to expose him to the activity. He may learn and continue in it, or may have curiosity satisfied and lose interest.
- Listen to children without judging them all the time. This “art” is an important way to respond to children. It’s done by being quiet and letting the child talk. Don’t feel that you have to comment, advise, or make suggestions every time he says something. You can also paraphrase what children say, acknowledge how they’re feeling (“I know how you must feel.”), or encourage them to say more (“Can you tell me anything else about that?”). Asking broad general questions give a child room to say what he wants. Some parents manipulate children by asking them very specific questions that bend the conversation into the parent’s framework. That’s when their kids feel that they’re not being listened to. An example of this is the standard “either/or” parent question: “Did you hit your brother, yes or no?” Another alternative may be more explanatory. “Actually Mom, it was more complicated than that. Who hit first is not clear; we both pushed and were angry at each other from yesterday.” Other either/or questions imply simple moral choices that may not be so simple. “Is it right or wrong to take his cookie?” when in fact the overall situation is more complex.” He acted like I could have it, but started yelling when I ate it.”
- Do something special for children that acknowledge their special needs or interests. Feeling that you notice and care about what he does builds a child’s sense of Connectivness. Make his favorite foods, go buy something for his hobby, get a magazine about a special interest, purchase a blouse in her favorite color- and many other small measures can communicate special attention to a child. Remember, it needs to be something that they are interested in, not what you think they ought to be interested in.
- Avoid questioning children who are very shy. Shy children suffer anxiety when they have to respond to questions. Making statements to them makes them feel noticed, but safe. Sometimes adults develop a habit of asking questions in order to elicit responses. When a very shy child pays attention-that is a response. If questions need to be asked, let yes or no responses suffice. As a child becomes less shy, he/she will elaborate more spontaneously.
Dr. Mustafa Nadeem Kirmani
Associate Professor & Head M.Phil, Department of Clinical Psychology, Faculty of Behavioral Sciences,
SGT University, Gurgaon, Haryana. Dr.mnkirmani@sgtuniversity.org Ph: 08295320920/08267871886
